“This person made me feel angry.” “She made me feel small.” “He made me feel unimportant.” We’ve all said something like this at some point, assigning the responsibility for our emotions to someone else. But here’s the catch: no one can actually make you feel anything. Your emotional responses are yours alone, and understanding this concept is crucial for personal growth and emotional resilience.
Let’s explore why this is the case, using psychotherapy theories to uncover how we decide what we feel and how we can decide to feel differently.
The Psychology Behind Emotions: A Quick Primer
Emotions aren’t arbitrary; they arise from the interplay of our thoughts, beliefs, and past experiences. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) breaks this down with the ABC model:
- A (Activating Event): Something happens. For example, someone interrupts you mid-sentence.
- B (Belief): You interpret the event. You might think, “They don’t respect me.”
- C (Consequence): Your emotional response. Based on the belief, you feel hurt or angry.
Notice how the belief—not the event—determines the emotional outcome. Someone interrupting you is neutral; it’s your interpretation that colors the experience.
Melanie Klein: The Internal World of Projection
Melanie Klein’s psychoanalytic theories provide another lens. According to Klein, we project parts of ourselves—both good and bad—onto others, shaping how we perceive their actions. For example, if you feel insecure, you might project that insecurity onto someone else, interpreting their behavior as dismissive or critical, even if it isn’t.
This doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid. Instead, it highlights how much of your emotional experience stems from your internal world rather than external events.
Viktor Frankl: The Space Between Stimulus and Response
In his seminal work Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl famously wrote, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
This space is where we decide what to feel. It’s not about denying emotions but about recognizing that we have agency in how we interpret events and respond emotionally. This recognition is the cornerstone of emotional responsibility.
Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom
Choosing to Feel Differently
If our emotions are shaped by our beliefs and interpretations, it’s possible to shift how we feel by addressing those underlying factors. Here’s how:
- Identify Your Beliefs: What story are you telling yourself about the event? For instance, if someone interrupts you, are you interpreting it as disrespect or as enthusiasm?
- Challenge Cognitive Distortions: Are you jumping to conclusions or assuming the worst? Using CBT techniques, question whether your interpretation is accurate or helpful.
- Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness helps you observe your emotions without immediately reacting to them. This creates space for a more intentional response.
- Reframe the Situation: Can you see the event from another perspective? Reframing shifts your focus from what you’ve “lost” to what you can gain or learn.
The Freedom of Emotional Responsibility
Taking responsibility for your emotions isn’t about letting others off the hook for bad behavior. It’s about reclaiming your power. When you stop saying, “This person made me feel XYZ,” you step out of a victim mindset and into one of agency. You recognize that while you can’t control what others do, you can control how you interpret and respond to their actions.
This isn’t easy work—it requires self-awareness, honesty, and practice. But the payoff is profound: greater emotional resilience, healthier relationships, and a deeper sense of freedom. So, the next time you catch yourself saying, “They made me feel,” pause. Explore the space between stimulus and response. And remember, your emotions are yours to shape.